First and foremost; I apologize for leaving some of you "in the dark" by not updating my blog. But wow! What a difference a month makes! I'm not quiet sure where to start off.
First we sold our condo! Amen and Amen! That was a huge blessing! We only had the condo listed for nine...count them...nine days! We had two showings, and sold it to the lady who was our second showing. We were able to sell the condo as is so there weren't any modifications we had to do, which again is a huge blessing!
Second, we had to pack and be out of the condo in about two and a half weeks! I know that our place was small....but I think we may be organized pack rats....because we had a lot of stuff to move! It amazes me how much I threw out, yet we still filled up a Uhaul! CRAZY!
Third, well the part you've all been waiting to hear...Baby or No baby? Despite our best efforts and the aid of Clomid, we are sadly, not pregnant. There is nothing more disheartening then to spend four weeks planning every moment, feeling tender, or nauseous or crampie and to think: "I think this is it! I may actually be pregnant! YAY!" just to find that you really aren't. The cramps must have been some bad Mexican food, or God forbid another cyst developing. I think the worst part is allowing yourself to hope. To copy a phrase: "The audacity of HOPE", to dare to hope that something may work out for you. I tell you honestly, it is SO hard to not loose hope. To not become bitter. I guess to not be human. I look at Jeffrey and I and wonder what we did to "deserve" this. Why can't we be parents? There are women aborting unwanted babies every day, and all I want is one. There are parents who leave their children at home alone to go get a drink or meet up with friends and their house catches on fire and burns down with the children inside; perishing in a horrible fire. Or parents who beat their children to death in the name of "God". Why do these people get to conceive and bring babies into the world, never knowing the treasures they posses, while I can't. I hear all of the encouraging words of "You'll be such a great mom" or "You're SUPER MOM!" but it doesn't seem tangible. Not right now.
Its been a crazy week. Maybe it was too crazy. Maybe God wants me to wait a little longer. Maybe it will never happen. I guess right now I'm just trying to learn to trust and be willing to accept "Come what may".
However, all hope is not lost. I have a doctors appointment today and maybe this next four week cycle will be the one that works. Maybe?!? Maybe I'll be brave enough to actually hope and dare to believe in hope. Maybe.
