Let me start by saying thank you to each and everyone of you that read my silly blog of rants. I appreciate the support and the fact that you allow and support me and my nonsensical ramblings! Without you I wouldn't have to courage to wear my heart on my sleeve.
So, lets just say that this last month has been kind of crazy! Not too sure where to start but I think I'll start with some exciting news. (Lets see who really reads this!) It is my greatest pleasure to announce that my dear, sweet and longest friend; Marie is expecting her first baby this fall. We've had talks about all of this great news and she knows my heart on this subject. How awesome is it to be able to talk to your friend and be candid and still remain friends? Awesome!! For the longest time our emails to each other always started out: "So...any baby news?". We both have been trying to expand our families and its nice to have someone to share the ups and downs of the process. When I first heard, in all honesty it was a gut punch to me. It wasn't because I wasn't happy for her...because I am totally over the moon happy for her, but it just makes the fact that I'm not a little more real. But after shopping for baby clothing (Oh and yeah...I totally bought the first outfit for the baby! Yay me!!), a nice long yummy lunch and then making her walk around Babies R Us for about an hour telling her what she needed and didn't need and all that jazz, I realized that I am so lucky to have a friend that is allowing me to come along with her on this journey. That I get to be an Auntie to the world's most loved kid!
So after all of that excitement, we decided to put an offer on a house. LONG story short...we found a really cute one a week ago, its still a short sale (stink!) but its perfect for us. Not too big, not too small; just perfect! We will have to wait about 60 day's before we know if the seller's bank will accept the offer, but if they do then we will close on May 18th. So stinking excited. Not that I don't like living with Grandma, but I'm ready to have my own space again, to have my own kitchen and best of all a yard to garden in. Not that my agent would see this, but I just wanted to shout out about how amazing she is. She told us not to get our hopes up and we didn't, then she told us the original buyers walked away and that the seller wanted to work with us instead of the investors. They wanted a family in the house. That's nothing short of a miracle. She's just the best. The way she's been on top of everything, harassing the selling agent, working with a short sale broker and our bank to make sure every 'i' is dotted and every 't' is crossed. Hopefully soon I will be able to let you know more about the house. Keep your fingers and toes crossed...and say a few prayers! God has totally moved on this and I am humbled by His Hand!
So in review of all of this exciting news; Jeff and I talked and we've decided that the best thing to do right now is to wait to start our family. Yes that stinks, and yes I want a baby, but I want to be responsible too. With getting the house and Jeff needing a new car, we think that the best thing to do is for me to work for another year. (I've waited this long how bad can another year be?.) Plus I'll have Marie's baby to love on...right?
But all is not lost!! I am happy to announce that our family will be growing too, just not in the baby way (yet). We put a deposit down for a Westie puppy. She should be born in the end of April and we would get her at the end of June. I think that would be the best house warming gift ever!
So stay tuned as I will keep you posted to what this Mother's Intuition senses.
Love you all.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
An Update:
Well looking back I see that my last post was in November. I guess you all are overdue for an update.
I guess one could ask why its been so long and why haven't I kept up with my blog. Well there are two answers to that. First; The holidays happened! At one point we have 20+ people in our house and between winter break, work and making cookies, thinking about my attempts at starting a family fell to the background. Secondly; In a perfect world I would like to say that I am a hopeless optimistic, but I live in this world called reality. There are days when I am plagued by dark thoughts and overwhelming emotions; that if I were to keep up with the blog many of you would stop reading based on the fact that it would be very dark.
The best way to start this I suppose is by giving you an update. So November came and went with no pregnancy. My doctor suggested that Jeff and I have some tests done to help pinpoint what is really going on. Well my husband the rock start that he is was more than willing to submit himself to poking and prodding. When all was said and done with him, he was awarded a huge red cape with a "S" on it...for being so...."super". What can I say? My husband is a champ, he's my hero and he is in prime shape and full capable of procreation. Yay!
Some of us however tend to be a little more of a challenge to the doctor's. After giving up about half of my blood...and having a permanent bruise on my arm from all of the blood draws; and having this fancy x-ray that I can barely pronounce let alone spell...we have found that our promblems getting pregnant rest with me. Now doesn't that just make you fell great? When all is said and done, I don't ovulate. My doctor says I have a supply of eggs, but for some stupid reason, by fallopian tubes are hoarding them. We learned all of this at the end of December.
January we just waited to see if by some chance "nature" would take its course and we would get pregnant on our own. Well no such luck. Because my cycle is so messed up, I have to wait a little bit longer to see if I am pregnant. Which, if you ask any woman, waiting is the hardest thing you could ever ask her to do. Especially for me, I don't do well not knowing the answers or not having a plan.
Good/bad news: Bad news is, I will still have to wait. Good news, there is a new drug! There is a new drug I will try this time around. Good news is that the side effects (twins) aren't as common. Not that I wouldn't want twins, but at this point I'd be so happy just to have one. There is a higher success rate with this drug and well at this point I just need a little sunshine in my future.
All of this said, theres just so much more to my process that these cold hard facts. There's the moments when I am at the grocery store and I see a baby looking up and cooing; Then when I'm walking through a department store and I walk past the baby section and run my fingers across the soft fabric of a baby blanket; Or really one of the toughest, looking at my husband and knowing that he is a great father, and what I would give to give him a child of our own. Theses and many more moments are the ones that have me so close to throwing in the towel. There are plenty of platitudes that one can express but it doesn't seem to calm the raging sea of thoughts inside of me. Some day's I wish I was a bigger person and didn't think the thoughts I do. Days when I wish my faith was stronger, or that I could see the bigger picture, but the truth is I don't.
I can't say I'm holding on to faith or hope. I just honestly can't; not today at least. But tomorrow is a new day. Full of new chances. So until tomorrow, I will keep my fingers crossed and trust that this new drug will work for me and that by the end of March I will be able to see faith and hope working in my life.
I guess one could ask why its been so long and why haven't I kept up with my blog. Well there are two answers to that. First; The holidays happened! At one point we have 20+ people in our house and between winter break, work and making cookies, thinking about my attempts at starting a family fell to the background. Secondly; In a perfect world I would like to say that I am a hopeless optimistic, but I live in this world called reality. There are days when I am plagued by dark thoughts and overwhelming emotions; that if I were to keep up with the blog many of you would stop reading based on the fact that it would be very dark.
The best way to start this I suppose is by giving you an update. So November came and went with no pregnancy. My doctor suggested that Jeff and I have some tests done to help pinpoint what is really going on. Well my husband the rock start that he is was more than willing to submit himself to poking and prodding. When all was said and done with him, he was awarded a huge red cape with a "S" on it...for being so...."super". What can I say? My husband is a champ, he's my hero and he is in prime shape and full capable of procreation. Yay!
Some of us however tend to be a little more of a challenge to the doctor's. After giving up about half of my blood...and having a permanent bruise on my arm from all of the blood draws; and having this fancy x-ray that I can barely pronounce let alone spell...we have found that our promblems getting pregnant rest with me. Now doesn't that just make you fell great? When all is said and done, I don't ovulate. My doctor says I have a supply of eggs, but for some stupid reason, by fallopian tubes are hoarding them. We learned all of this at the end of December.
January we just waited to see if by some chance "nature" would take its course and we would get pregnant on our own. Well no such luck. Because my cycle is so messed up, I have to wait a little bit longer to see if I am pregnant. Which, if you ask any woman, waiting is the hardest thing you could ever ask her to do. Especially for me, I don't do well not knowing the answers or not having a plan.
Good/bad news: Bad news is, I will still have to wait. Good news, there is a new drug! There is a new drug I will try this time around. Good news is that the side effects (twins) aren't as common. Not that I wouldn't want twins, but at this point I'd be so happy just to have one. There is a higher success rate with this drug and well at this point I just need a little sunshine in my future.
All of this said, theres just so much more to my process that these cold hard facts. There's the moments when I am at the grocery store and I see a baby looking up and cooing; Then when I'm walking through a department store and I walk past the baby section and run my fingers across the soft fabric of a baby blanket; Or really one of the toughest, looking at my husband and knowing that he is a great father, and what I would give to give him a child of our own. Theses and many more moments are the ones that have me so close to throwing in the towel. There are plenty of platitudes that one can express but it doesn't seem to calm the raging sea of thoughts inside of me. Some day's I wish I was a bigger person and didn't think the thoughts I do. Days when I wish my faith was stronger, or that I could see the bigger picture, but the truth is I don't.
I can't say I'm holding on to faith or hope. I just honestly can't; not today at least. But tomorrow is a new day. Full of new chances. So until tomorrow, I will keep my fingers crossed and trust that this new drug will work for me and that by the end of March I will be able to see faith and hope working in my life.
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