An Update:

Well looking back I see that my last post was in November.  I guess you all are overdue for an update.

I guess one could ask why its been so long and why haven't I kept up with my blog.  Well there are two answers to that.  First; The holidays happened!  At one point we have 20+ people in our house and between winter break, work and making cookies, thinking about my attempts at starting a family fell to the background.  Secondly; In a perfect world I would like to say that I am a hopeless optimistic, but I live in this world called reality.  There are days when I am plagued by dark thoughts and overwhelming emotions; that if I were to keep up with the blog many of you would stop reading based on the fact that it would be very dark.

The best way to start this I suppose is by giving you an update.  So November came and went with no pregnancy.  My doctor suggested that Jeff and I have some tests done to help pinpoint what is really going on.  Well my husband the rock start that he is was more than willing to submit himself to poking and prodding.  When all was said and done with him, he was awarded a huge red cape with a "S" on it...for being so...."super". What can I say?  My husband is a champ, he's my hero and he is in prime shape and full capable of procreation.  Yay!

Some of us however tend to be a little more of a challenge to the doctor's.  After giving up about half of my blood...and having a permanent bruise on my arm from all of the blood draws; and having this fancy x-ray that I can barely pronounce let alone spell...we have found that our promblems getting pregnant rest with me.  Now doesn't that just make you fell great?  When all is said and done, I don't ovulate.  My doctor says I have a supply of eggs, but for some stupid reason, by fallopian tubes are hoarding them.  We learned all of this at the end of December.

January we just waited to see if by some chance "nature" would take its course and we would get pregnant on our own.  Well no such luck.  Because my cycle is so messed up, I have to wait a little bit longer to see if I am pregnant.  Which, if you ask any woman, waiting is the hardest thing you could ever ask her to do.  Especially for me, I don't do well not knowing the answers or not having a plan.

Good/bad news:  Bad news is, I will still have to wait.  Good news, there is a new drug!  There is a new drug I will try this time around.  Good news is that the side effects (twins) aren't as common.  Not that I wouldn't want twins, but at this point I'd be so happy just to have one. There is a higher success rate with this drug and well at this point I just need a little sunshine in my future.

All of this said, theres just so much more to my process that these cold hard facts.  There's the moments when I am at the grocery store and I see a baby looking up and cooing; Then when I'm walking through a department store and I walk past the baby section and run my fingers across the soft fabric of a baby blanket; Or really one of the toughest, looking at my husband and knowing that he is a great father, and what I would give to give him a child of our own.  Theses and many more moments are the ones that have me so close to throwing in the towel.  There are plenty of platitudes that one can express but it doesn't seem to calm the raging sea of thoughts inside of me.  Some day's I wish I was a bigger person and didn't think the thoughts I do.  Days when I wish my faith was stronger, or that I could see the bigger picture, but the truth is I don't. 

I can't say I'm holding on to faith or hope.  I just honestly can't; not today at least.  But tomorrow is a new day.  Full of new chances.  So until tomorrow, I will keep my fingers crossed and trust that this new drug will work for me and that by the end of March I will be able to see faith and hope working in my life.