Let me start by saying thank you to each and everyone of you that read my silly blog of rants. I appreciate the support and the fact that you allow and support me and my nonsensical ramblings! Without you I wouldn't have to courage to wear my heart on my sleeve.
So, lets just say that this last month has been kind of crazy! Not too sure where to start but I think I'll start with some exciting news. (Lets see who really reads this!) It is my greatest pleasure to announce that my dear, sweet and longest friend; Marie is expecting her first baby this fall. We've had talks about all of this great news and she knows my heart on this subject. How awesome is it to be able to talk to your friend and be candid and still remain friends? Awesome!! For the longest time our emails to each other always started out: "So...any baby news?". We both have been trying to expand our families and its nice to have someone to share the ups and downs of the process. When I first heard, in all honesty it was a gut punch to me. It wasn't because I wasn't happy for her...because I am totally over the moon happy for her, but it just makes the fact that I'm not a little more real. But after shopping for baby clothing (Oh and yeah...I totally bought the first outfit for the baby! Yay me!!), a nice long yummy lunch and then making her walk around Babies R Us for about an hour telling her what she needed and didn't need and all that jazz, I realized that I am so lucky to have a friend that is allowing me to come along with her on this journey. That I get to be an Auntie to the world's most loved kid!
So after all of that excitement, we decided to put an offer on a house. LONG story short...we found a really cute one a week ago, its still a short sale (stink!) but its perfect for us. Not too big, not too small; just perfect! We will have to wait about 60 day's before we know if the seller's bank will accept the offer, but if they do then we will close on May 18th. So stinking excited. Not that I don't like living with Grandma, but I'm ready to have my own space again, to have my own kitchen and best of all a yard to garden in. Not that my agent would see this, but I just wanted to shout out about how amazing she is. She told us not to get our hopes up and we didn't, then she told us the original buyers walked away and that the seller wanted to work with us instead of the investors. They wanted a family in the house. That's nothing short of a miracle. She's just the best. The way she's been on top of everything, harassing the selling agent, working with a short sale broker and our bank to make sure every 'i' is dotted and every 't' is crossed. Hopefully soon I will be able to let you know more about the house. Keep your fingers and toes crossed...and say a few prayers! God has totally moved on this and I am humbled by His Hand!
So in review of all of this exciting news; Jeff and I talked and we've decided that the best thing to do right now is to wait to start our family. Yes that stinks, and yes I want a baby, but I want to be responsible too. With getting the house and Jeff needing a new car, we think that the best thing to do is for me to work for another year. (I've waited this long how bad can another year be?.) Plus I'll have Marie's baby to love on...right?
But all is not lost!! I am happy to announce that our family will be growing too, just not in the baby way (yet). We put a deposit down for a Westie puppy. She should be born in the end of April and we would get her at the end of June. I think that would be the best house warming gift ever!
So stay tuned as I will keep you posted to what this Mother's Intuition senses.
Love you all.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
An Update:
Well looking back I see that my last post was in November. I guess you all are overdue for an update.
I guess one could ask why its been so long and why haven't I kept up with my blog. Well there are two answers to that. First; The holidays happened! At one point we have 20+ people in our house and between winter break, work and making cookies, thinking about my attempts at starting a family fell to the background. Secondly; In a perfect world I would like to say that I am a hopeless optimistic, but I live in this world called reality. There are days when I am plagued by dark thoughts and overwhelming emotions; that if I were to keep up with the blog many of you would stop reading based on the fact that it would be very dark.
The best way to start this I suppose is by giving you an update. So November came and went with no pregnancy. My doctor suggested that Jeff and I have some tests done to help pinpoint what is really going on. Well my husband the rock start that he is was more than willing to submit himself to poking and prodding. When all was said and done with him, he was awarded a huge red cape with a "S" on it...for being so...."super". What can I say? My husband is a champ, he's my hero and he is in prime shape and full capable of procreation. Yay!
Some of us however tend to be a little more of a challenge to the doctor's. After giving up about half of my blood...and having a permanent bruise on my arm from all of the blood draws; and having this fancy x-ray that I can barely pronounce let alone spell...we have found that our promblems getting pregnant rest with me. Now doesn't that just make you fell great? When all is said and done, I don't ovulate. My doctor says I have a supply of eggs, but for some stupid reason, by fallopian tubes are hoarding them. We learned all of this at the end of December.
January we just waited to see if by some chance "nature" would take its course and we would get pregnant on our own. Well no such luck. Because my cycle is so messed up, I have to wait a little bit longer to see if I am pregnant. Which, if you ask any woman, waiting is the hardest thing you could ever ask her to do. Especially for me, I don't do well not knowing the answers or not having a plan.
Good/bad news: Bad news is, I will still have to wait. Good news, there is a new drug! There is a new drug I will try this time around. Good news is that the side effects (twins) aren't as common. Not that I wouldn't want twins, but at this point I'd be so happy just to have one. There is a higher success rate with this drug and well at this point I just need a little sunshine in my future.
All of this said, theres just so much more to my process that these cold hard facts. There's the moments when I am at the grocery store and I see a baby looking up and cooing; Then when I'm walking through a department store and I walk past the baby section and run my fingers across the soft fabric of a baby blanket; Or really one of the toughest, looking at my husband and knowing that he is a great father, and what I would give to give him a child of our own. Theses and many more moments are the ones that have me so close to throwing in the towel. There are plenty of platitudes that one can express but it doesn't seem to calm the raging sea of thoughts inside of me. Some day's I wish I was a bigger person and didn't think the thoughts I do. Days when I wish my faith was stronger, or that I could see the bigger picture, but the truth is I don't.
I can't say I'm holding on to faith or hope. I just honestly can't; not today at least. But tomorrow is a new day. Full of new chances. So until tomorrow, I will keep my fingers crossed and trust that this new drug will work for me and that by the end of March I will be able to see faith and hope working in my life.
I guess one could ask why its been so long and why haven't I kept up with my blog. Well there are two answers to that. First; The holidays happened! At one point we have 20+ people in our house and between winter break, work and making cookies, thinking about my attempts at starting a family fell to the background. Secondly; In a perfect world I would like to say that I am a hopeless optimistic, but I live in this world called reality. There are days when I am plagued by dark thoughts and overwhelming emotions; that if I were to keep up with the blog many of you would stop reading based on the fact that it would be very dark.
The best way to start this I suppose is by giving you an update. So November came and went with no pregnancy. My doctor suggested that Jeff and I have some tests done to help pinpoint what is really going on. Well my husband the rock start that he is was more than willing to submit himself to poking and prodding. When all was said and done with him, he was awarded a huge red cape with a "S" on it...for being so...."super". What can I say? My husband is a champ, he's my hero and he is in prime shape and full capable of procreation. Yay!
Some of us however tend to be a little more of a challenge to the doctor's. After giving up about half of my blood...and having a permanent bruise on my arm from all of the blood draws; and having this fancy x-ray that I can barely pronounce let alone spell...we have found that our promblems getting pregnant rest with me. Now doesn't that just make you fell great? When all is said and done, I don't ovulate. My doctor says I have a supply of eggs, but for some stupid reason, by fallopian tubes are hoarding them. We learned all of this at the end of December.
January we just waited to see if by some chance "nature" would take its course and we would get pregnant on our own. Well no such luck. Because my cycle is so messed up, I have to wait a little bit longer to see if I am pregnant. Which, if you ask any woman, waiting is the hardest thing you could ever ask her to do. Especially for me, I don't do well not knowing the answers or not having a plan.
Good/bad news: Bad news is, I will still have to wait. Good news, there is a new drug! There is a new drug I will try this time around. Good news is that the side effects (twins) aren't as common. Not that I wouldn't want twins, but at this point I'd be so happy just to have one. There is a higher success rate with this drug and well at this point I just need a little sunshine in my future.
All of this said, theres just so much more to my process that these cold hard facts. There's the moments when I am at the grocery store and I see a baby looking up and cooing; Then when I'm walking through a department store and I walk past the baby section and run my fingers across the soft fabric of a baby blanket; Or really one of the toughest, looking at my husband and knowing that he is a great father, and what I would give to give him a child of our own. Theses and many more moments are the ones that have me so close to throwing in the towel. There are plenty of platitudes that one can express but it doesn't seem to calm the raging sea of thoughts inside of me. Some day's I wish I was a bigger person and didn't think the thoughts I do. Days when I wish my faith was stronger, or that I could see the bigger picture, but the truth is I don't.
I can't say I'm holding on to faith or hope. I just honestly can't; not today at least. But tomorrow is a new day. Full of new chances. So until tomorrow, I will keep my fingers crossed and trust that this new drug will work for me and that by the end of March I will be able to see faith and hope working in my life.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
What a difference a month makes!
First and foremost; I apologize for leaving some of you "in the dark" by not updating my blog. But wow! What a difference a month makes! I'm not quiet sure where to start off.
First we sold our condo! Amen and Amen! That was a huge blessing! We only had the condo listed for nine...count them...nine days! We had two showings, and sold it to the lady who was our second showing. We were able to sell the condo as is so there weren't any modifications we had to do, which again is a huge blessing!
Second, we had to pack and be out of the condo in about two and a half weeks! I know that our place was small....but I think we may be organized pack rats....because we had a lot of stuff to move! It amazes me how much I threw out, yet we still filled up a Uhaul! CRAZY!
Third, well the part you've all been waiting to hear...Baby or No baby? Despite our best efforts and the aid of Clomid, we are sadly, not pregnant. There is nothing more disheartening then to spend four weeks planning every moment, feeling tender, or nauseous or crampie and to think: "I think this is it! I may actually be pregnant! YAY!" just to find that you really aren't. The cramps must have been some bad Mexican food, or God forbid another cyst developing. I think the worst part is allowing yourself to hope. To copy a phrase: "The audacity of HOPE", to dare to hope that something may work out for you. I tell you honestly, it is SO hard to not loose hope. To not become bitter. I guess to not be human. I look at Jeffrey and I and wonder what we did to "deserve" this. Why can't we be parents? There are women aborting unwanted babies every day, and all I want is one. There are parents who leave their children at home alone to go get a drink or meet up with friends and their house catches on fire and burns down with the children inside; perishing in a horrible fire. Or parents who beat their children to death in the name of "God". Why do these people get to conceive and bring babies into the world, never knowing the treasures they posses, while I can't. I hear all of the encouraging words of "You'll be such a great mom" or "You're SUPER MOM!" but it doesn't seem tangible. Not right now.
Its been a crazy week. Maybe it was too crazy. Maybe God wants me to wait a little longer. Maybe it will never happen. I guess right now I'm just trying to learn to trust and be willing to accept "Come what may".
However, all hope is not lost. I have a doctors appointment today and maybe this next four week cycle will be the one that works. Maybe?!? Maybe I'll be brave enough to actually hope and dare to believe in hope. Maybe.
First we sold our condo! Amen and Amen! That was a huge blessing! We only had the condo listed for nine...count them...nine days! We had two showings, and sold it to the lady who was our second showing. We were able to sell the condo as is so there weren't any modifications we had to do, which again is a huge blessing!
Second, we had to pack and be out of the condo in about two and a half weeks! I know that our place was small....but I think we may be organized pack rats....because we had a lot of stuff to move! It amazes me how much I threw out, yet we still filled up a Uhaul! CRAZY!
Third, well the part you've all been waiting to hear...Baby or No baby? Despite our best efforts and the aid of Clomid, we are sadly, not pregnant. There is nothing more disheartening then to spend four weeks planning every moment, feeling tender, or nauseous or crampie and to think: "I think this is it! I may actually be pregnant! YAY!" just to find that you really aren't. The cramps must have been some bad Mexican food, or God forbid another cyst developing. I think the worst part is allowing yourself to hope. To copy a phrase: "The audacity of HOPE", to dare to hope that something may work out for you. I tell you honestly, it is SO hard to not loose hope. To not become bitter. I guess to not be human. I look at Jeffrey and I and wonder what we did to "deserve" this. Why can't we be parents? There are women aborting unwanted babies every day, and all I want is one. There are parents who leave their children at home alone to go get a drink or meet up with friends and their house catches on fire and burns down with the children inside; perishing in a horrible fire. Or parents who beat their children to death in the name of "God". Why do these people get to conceive and bring babies into the world, never knowing the treasures they posses, while I can't. I hear all of the encouraging words of "You'll be such a great mom" or "You're SUPER MOM!" but it doesn't seem tangible. Not right now.
Its been a crazy week. Maybe it was too crazy. Maybe God wants me to wait a little longer. Maybe it will never happen. I guess right now I'm just trying to learn to trust and be willing to accept "Come what may".
However, all hope is not lost. I have a doctors appointment today and maybe this next four week cycle will be the one that works. Maybe?!? Maybe I'll be brave enough to actually hope and dare to believe in hope. Maybe.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
The Plan
When entering a battle it always wise to have a plan of attack. Thankfully I have a wonderful Doctor and Nurse Practitioner who are working with me to see what is exactly going on. We have some basic ideas as to what is going on. I thought for the longest time that I have something called PCOS, however I don't actually have this. Although I don't have an actual diagnosis we have a basic theory. I don't ovulate.
So this weeks plan is to start two drugs. One is Metformin which I need to be on anyways because I have an issue with my insulin and its a form of type 2 Diabetes. The second drug is called Provera. It will get things going and clean up the insides. *Trying to keep this pg for some of my guy friends* (However this is all medical and science.). I will go in for a series of test over the next week and a half. There will blood test to see what my hormone levels are and and to check for certain antibodies. Then an ultrasound to see what my reserve is...if any.
If everything comes back good and there seems to be some hope during this process there will be a third drug added to my cocktail (the more the merrier...right?) The third drug is called Clomid. It will help me develop an egg or as Clomid is known to do...maybe two or three. What a thought! To go from no babies to one, two or three! If only!
Fun side effects of drugs...hot flashes, nausea and scores of other fun side effects. Then there are side effects that the doctor didn't tell me about and that the drug flyers didn't say would happen. There is a whole other symptom that at times proves to be overwhelming. Dealing daily with the thought of never being able to have a family of our own. Dealing with the mixed feelings of joy for others and sorrow for yourself.
However great the odds are when you face a battle, there comes a point right before the initial attack when you pause for a split second and consider not advancing. I think this is my moment. But I've decided that although there may be a losses and at times I may loose the will to fight on, I can't afford that luxury. If I am to be successful I must advance when when it hurts. So the white flag has been put away. The troops have been rallied and the battle cry is sounding. Advance my comrades advance!
So this weeks plan is to start two drugs. One is Metformin which I need to be on anyways because I have an issue with my insulin and its a form of type 2 Diabetes. The second drug is called Provera. It will get things going and clean up the insides. *Trying to keep this pg for some of my guy friends* (However this is all medical and science.). I will go in for a series of test over the next week and a half. There will blood test to see what my hormone levels are and and to check for certain antibodies. Then an ultrasound to see what my reserve is...if any.
If everything comes back good and there seems to be some hope during this process there will be a third drug added to my cocktail (the more the merrier...right?) The third drug is called Clomid. It will help me develop an egg or as Clomid is known to do...maybe two or three. What a thought! To go from no babies to one, two or three! If only!
Fun side effects of drugs...hot flashes, nausea and scores of other fun side effects. Then there are side effects that the doctor didn't tell me about and that the drug flyers didn't say would happen. There is a whole other symptom that at times proves to be overwhelming. Dealing daily with the thought of never being able to have a family of our own. Dealing with the mixed feelings of joy for others and sorrow for yourself.
However great the odds are when you face a battle, there comes a point right before the initial attack when you pause for a split second and consider not advancing. I think this is my moment. But I've decided that although there may be a losses and at times I may loose the will to fight on, I can't afford that luxury. If I am to be successful I must advance when when it hurts. So the white flag has been put away. The troops have been rallied and the battle cry is sounding. Advance my comrades advance!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The corner of lonely and heartbreak.
There are few things in this world that can hurt a woman more than telling her that her dreams are out of reach. I haven't been told that yet but I fear those words...and that they are just around the corner.
Let me start by telling you a little about me and what my dreams have always been. I grew up as a military kids. We moved every four years. I've lived in multiple states and overseas. I loved that lifestyle. Most people would be annoyed by always packing up and moving on, by never having any real roots, but there was something about that lifestyle that called to something inside of me and brought out a sense of adventure in my soul. My dad retired when I was in 8th grade and we took a family vote and chose to settle down in Denver, Colorado. I love it here. I love the changing seasons, the mountains, the art and the food.
Ever since I was a kid I knew that there were a few things worth fighting for. The first is friends. When you move as much as I did (and if we weren't moving there was usually another friend that was) friends were something you held on to and held dear. I still feel that way. The second thing I learned to fight for was family. As nutty as my family is, I wouldn't trade them for any other family; there are a few people I'd love to add to my family but really no one I would get rid of...they make the family who we are. My mother was a stay at home mom for most of my life. She cleaned, cooked, ran errands, hosted numerous sleepovers and at times when my father was deployed, acted as both mom and dad. Seeing her and the way she loved my brothers and myself inspired me to also want to be a mother. If you had asked me a decade plus a few years what I wanted to be when I grew up I would confidently look you in the eye and tell you that I want to be a wife and mother. I always wanted four kids; I'm not sure why but four was my magic number.
LONG story short, I didn't and haven't exactly gotten my wish. I am a wife. I am married to what I know is the best man in the world. He is sweet, long-suffering, kind, providing and loving man. He makes me laugh and holds me when I cry. He believes in my dreams even if they change from day to day. He knows that once I get an idea in my head there is little he can do to stop it from happening. Jeffrey is my world and without him I was and would be loss. He has brought so much to my life including a sweet and passionate little girl; Nevaeh. Nevaeh is Jeffrey's five year old (or as she would tell you... 5 1/2 year old) daughter. So in one year I've become a wife and a mother. One would think that all of my dreams have come true. Well almost.
Over the next couple of days, weeks and maybe years; my blog will grow to show the challenges of being a step parent and the trials of conquering infertility. Yes I have been told that having a baby may never happen for us. So where do I go from here? How do you bury your dream of 10+ years and build a new one? How do you deal with a Mother in law who is convinced you are pregnant now, or if we would just relax things will happen naturally. I'm not sure. But join me in following A Mother's Intuition.
Let me start by telling you a little about me and what my dreams have always been. I grew up as a military kids. We moved every four years. I've lived in multiple states and overseas. I loved that lifestyle. Most people would be annoyed by always packing up and moving on, by never having any real roots, but there was something about that lifestyle that called to something inside of me and brought out a sense of adventure in my soul. My dad retired when I was in 8th grade and we took a family vote and chose to settle down in Denver, Colorado. I love it here. I love the changing seasons, the mountains, the art and the food.
Ever since I was a kid I knew that there were a few things worth fighting for. The first is friends. When you move as much as I did (and if we weren't moving there was usually another friend that was) friends were something you held on to and held dear. I still feel that way. The second thing I learned to fight for was family. As nutty as my family is, I wouldn't trade them for any other family; there are a few people I'd love to add to my family but really no one I would get rid of...they make the family who we are. My mother was a stay at home mom for most of my life. She cleaned, cooked, ran errands, hosted numerous sleepovers and at times when my father was deployed, acted as both mom and dad. Seeing her and the way she loved my brothers and myself inspired me to also want to be a mother. If you had asked me a decade plus a few years what I wanted to be when I grew up I would confidently look you in the eye and tell you that I want to be a wife and mother. I always wanted four kids; I'm not sure why but four was my magic number.
LONG story short, I didn't and haven't exactly gotten my wish. I am a wife. I am married to what I know is the best man in the world. He is sweet, long-suffering, kind, providing and loving man. He makes me laugh and holds me when I cry. He believes in my dreams even if they change from day to day. He knows that once I get an idea in my head there is little he can do to stop it from happening. Jeffrey is my world and without him I was and would be loss. He has brought so much to my life including a sweet and passionate little girl; Nevaeh. Nevaeh is Jeffrey's five year old (or as she would tell you... 5 1/2 year old) daughter. So in one year I've become a wife and a mother. One would think that all of my dreams have come true. Well almost.
Over the next couple of days, weeks and maybe years; my blog will grow to show the challenges of being a step parent and the trials of conquering infertility. Yes I have been told that having a baby may never happen for us. So where do I go from here? How do you bury your dream of 10+ years and build a new one? How do you deal with a Mother in law who is convinced you are pregnant now, or if we would just relax things will happen naturally. I'm not sure. But join me in following A Mother's Intuition.
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